Just the Jester

This is me,
apologizing.

Saying sorry
for whatever it
is I have done
to you,
whatever small
things I've forgotten
or the attempts
that have failed.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry our
friendship
couldn't last,
I'm sorry for
everything
I've done to
ruin
it, and
I'm sorry for
all the things
I couldn't do
and all the things
I could.

I'm sorry
for flitting
in and out of
your life,
all the coming
and going,
never staying
still,
never learning.

I'm sorry.

Someday,
I pray,
that you'll
see me from
afar, or think
of me due to
some offhanded
comment, or 
experiencing some
nostalgia,
and I pray
you'll remember
our friendship
and the times
we had and
think

              She once was my very best friend.
              How different my life is because of her.

And you'll 
keep thinking,
and thinking,
and I pray you
decide it
wasn't so 
bad,
me changing your life.

I want to keep
everything flowing
from me in such

stupid honesty,

but the kindness
and apologies
stop there.

I can't say
I miss you,
I can't say
that I'm so
mournful of
your leaving,
of you moving
on and
replacing 
me.

Because I'm not.

I'm not sorry for that.

I'm not sorry
for your silent
judgments of me
that I'm sure
you thought
were well-hidden.

I'm not sorry
for watching you
turn from God
Himself, and
letting me crumble.

                      I'm not sorry

I say.

You'd never been there for me,
and all I did was listen.

The world fell, piece by piece,
around me, and all you saw 
was your selfish reflection.

I'm not sorry. 

You never could
see me.

You just saw
a jester and
a clown.

Never a person.
Never the feelings.
Never me.

Just. The. Jester.
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