Effects of a Heart Ripped Out

Take a breath in,
Let the breath out.
Over and over,
Then let’s repeat.
I’m hooked on all
Those machines
That keep a
Heart functioning normally,
Because I had a transplant.

My heart failed,
Literally and figuratively.
I think they happened
As a cause and effect
Sort of thing.

You broke my heart.

Whereas you didn’t
Change the status quo
By rejecting me, you
Did take it to the next
Level by ripping
It from my chest,
Leaving the empty
Cavity behind. It pumped
In your hands, where before
It always thrived and
Flourished, and you
Squeezed and crushed
My poor heart till
I had nothing left.

Why did you torture
Me so? And all
I ever did was
Love you.

The gaping fissure you
Created in the middle
Of my chest caved in.
When paramedics arrived,
They understood nothing.
I was deranged, and
Could tell them nothing.
I managed to get
A transplant,
But it seems that
This sort of heart
That’s hurting isn’t
Really real at all, nor
Is it really a heart.

It’s all in my head,
They tell me.

And I tell them,
Lies! I really loved
Him. I could not
Have imagined
Something as complex
And wonderful as he.

Why do you mock me,
Paramedics? Have you
Not suffered from a broken
Heart, too?

And still they laugh.

The pressure gauge
In my brain says I’m
Going to explode soon
By keeping all these
Emotions inside.
I say, eh, sure.

Do you know the
Worst part? I
Still have to see
You every day. I
See your smile,
I laugh at your jokes,
My conscience twangs
When people snub you.
But in the heart in
My head, I cry, because
You have everything I want
And can’t have, not even that
Which belonged to me
First.

Waltzing

Pale, filtered
Moonlight streams
Through the windows
And strokes her
Face as she sways,
Back and forth,
To the music,
Every note caressing
Her ears; little
Lovers coming
And moving on,
Making her cry.
Small rivers
Appear on her
Moonstruck cheeks,
And I want to
Reach out a hand
To wipe them
Away, but the music
And my shyness
Keep me in
My secluded spot behind
The curtains.
Her elegant figure
Continues to sway
In some entrancing
Way, a siren call,
But no man will
Meet her request.

The music is lulling
Me to sleep, and
I still see the slow
Swaying as my eyelids
Drift shut.
A trumpeting announcement
Calls my attention,
And as my eyes spring
Open, I see the girl
Is gone.

I have missed my chance.

As though she is still
There, a call beckons
Me to where she last
Stood, and I rush to
The very spot–
I take in everything:
The very moonlight
That kissed her where
I might have,
The smell of her
The panes were
Taking in where
I might have,
The cool, crystalline
Glass that caught
Her tears where
I might have.
As I stood in my
Small grievances,
I felt a small hand
On my shoulder.
I turn, and see
Her standing there
In all her glory,
Commanding my
Attention by asking
For none.
I stared at her hand,
For I could not meet
Her eyes, and
Followed the fingers
To her delicate wrist,
To the prominent elbow,
To the proud shoulder,
To the graceful neck,
To her quivering chin,
To her blossomed lips,
To her peeking nose,
To her dazzling eyes.
I made it there.
I saw they were made
Of the rarest of emeralds,
Shining beneath a brow
Of inquiry:
Who might I be?
Without words,
We understood
One another,
She related her pain
Of family and lost
Relationships,
I of heartache and
Rejection.
We stared at one
Another,
Unsure of what
To do.
Our bodies moved
Simultaneously
Towards each other,
Where our heads
Bent, our fingers
Met, and our lips
Locked in the sweetest
Of embraces to the
Tune of the
Waltz.

The Death of Life

The heaviness of life is suffocating.

It’s choking me with its high airs,

Denying me breath and life.

Worry is drowning me.

It’s pressing against my lungs,

Forcing out the air,

Stealing my breath.

It’s weighing me down,

Pulling me under,

Grasping at my ankles

And wrenching my heart.

It holds out its hand to help,

Reminding me of those I love,

But shying away at the last second,

Watching my head sink beneath the waves.

Music is choking me.

It’s on fire, and the flames engulf my body.

Tendrils of smoke caress my throat,

Softly, like a lover, then coil more tightly

As I cough and wheeze.

It stands before me, mocking,

Staring as I fall to the floor among the coals.

It laughs like a deep, roaring thing in my ears,

Pouring into my head and into my soul.

 

Madness is strangling me.

It’s wrapping its cold fingers

Around my throat,

Squeezing the life from me.

It’s cold and callous,

Cackling like a deranged person

As the fingers tighten

And leave bruises upon my skin.

Life is suffocating me,

Weighing me down,

Pulling me under,

Stealing my breath,

Grasping my ankles,

Engulfing my body.

Laughing.

Mocking.

Lying.

The Thoughts That Bind

You have these thoughts
That maybe, one day,
I may not love you
[anymore].

These thoughts are
Complete falsehoods;
My issue is that I
Can never stop
[loving].

My thoughts are consumed
With you; my carnivorous
Brain eats away at the idea
Of you, and I can only pray
It leaves some memory
Of you
[left].

I feel us falling apart,
Little by little, as
Though the parts
Of our brains that
Are obsessed with
Each other are slowly
Falling off the surface
Of the interface,
Leaving nothing
[behind].

That is how I feel.
I feel obsessed by
You, and even though
It is something
Started completely
In my own mind,
You still control
It to some extent
[somehow].

I feel so controlled,
So like a puppet
Who can do nothing
But dance for its master.
I do not wish to be
Controlled, but this is
How I am feeling
[now].

I have these thoughts
That maybe, one day,
You may not
Love me
[anymore]…
But maybe, maybe,
You never did
[love me].

Sign of Exit

Shadows dance

Across my ceiling

As the blades of the

Overhead fan

Swish in their

Perpetual, circling

Motion.

I feel the

Rivulets of tears

Running down my

Upturned face,

Twin streams of

Sorrow making their

Way down the mountains

Of my façade.

The whirlpools of my

Fingertips trace the

Zigzag pattern on

The coarse blue

Blanket that

Absorbs my

Pain, as my eyes

Follow the dance of

Shadows on the ceiling

Of my prison.

Taupe walls and

Ancient wallpapers

Greet my every glance,

Tweaking the shadows’

Dance and draining

The life from my eyes.

The forest green of

My irises dart from

Corner to corner

Of this miserable place,

Desperate for an

Exit.

The stale air

Leaves a dreadful

Taste in my mouth,

Making me choke

On delicate words.

My limbs are weak,

And my heart is

Heavy.

Tally marks line

The walls,

Counting the days

Inside this prison.

 

If only they knew

How desperate I

Was to get

Out.

Nostalgia

I miss that place

Where I used to be:

My childhood land

With the lilac tree.

I miss that grass,

And those golden fields,

The times we used twigs

For our makeshift shields.

I miss that pond,

With the brand-new deck,

Where we’d use a canoe

To make our trek.

I miss that barn,

With the musty stalls,

Which I never minded,

Never minded at all.

I miss the house

On the big, tall hill

With the dark green shutters

Above the windowsills.

I miss our swings

And the climbing tree

That stained our hands

And feet and knees.

I miss the horses

And their comforting smell

With sparkling eyes that

Held my secrets well.

I miss the path running

Through the woods

Where I skipped and laughed

As lively as I could.

I miss my grandfather

and his good ol’ dogs

and doing chores

and catching frogs.

I miss my grandmother

And her sweet smile

As I sat in her kitchen

And did dishes awhile.

I miss those strays,

The cats we had,

Whose kittens we’d catch

And get scratched real bad.

I miss those days

As we lay in the sun

Soaking up all the rays

And just having our fun.

I miss those cats,

And their colorful fur,

Especially Buttercup,

My favorite, her.

I miss dear Grandma

And her warm hugs

And her talent and her laugh

And her homemade rugs.

I miss ol’ Gramps,

And his mischievous ways

and him talkin’ fast

and us balin’ the hay.

I miss that path

That meandered in the trees

Where the branches creaked

And whispered in the breeze.

I miss the horses,

And the bridle leather

And feeding them oats

In all kinds of weather.

I miss the swing,

All knotted and worn,

And the mulberry tree

Where our clothes were torn.

I miss that hill,

With our little house,

That held just us

And sometimes a mouse.

I miss that barn

With the stalls and hayloft

Where the sparrows gathered

And the hay was soft.

I miss the pond

Where my favorite horse died

And I sat next to the water

And I remember I cried.

I miss the grass

That grew thin and tall

And hid all the bugs

And stole our baseballs.

I miss that place

From my childhood,

But I’ll never forget it.

I don’t think I could.

Escaping the Labyrinth

Long, dark corridors
Are all I can see as
I run and run and run,
Away from the monster
That chases me.
I cannot see it, nor
Can it see me,
But I sense its
Presence, and I
Am frightened.

The long corridors
Have nothing
On their walls
Like a friendly
Family home
Would have;
The corridors contain
Only doors, endless
Amounts of doors.

Sometimes, when I
Feel I am far enough
Ahead of the monster,
I open one of the doors.
So far, they only lead
To more passages,
More corridors,
More openings,
More doors.

I cannot escape
The labyrinth,
Just like I cannot
Escape the monster.
It is always on my
Heels, getting closer
Every minute,
Never stopping.
My body is becoming
Exhausted from the
Chase. I wish to lie
Down and rest,
Even for a few
Minutes, but I cannot.

I cannot escape the
Labyrinth.

A Lingering Sense

The smell of you
Lingers, even though
You are gone.
The softness of
Your voice,
Embedded in my ears,
The tenderness of your
Touch remains on my
Skin, even though you
Are gone.

It has been but minutes,
And already I miss
You with burning intensity.

Tears tug at the corners
Of my eyes, and as
I attempt to blink them
Away, I remember
The feel of your hand
On my cheek,
A light caress-
An enduring farewell
From each of your fingers.

I take my walk when the
Wind cuts into my
Side, slicing through
My clothes, and as I
Feel utterly exposed,
I remember your embrace,
A lingering closeness of you;
An enrapturing embrace
Filling me with warmth-
This I remember as
The cold wind threatens
To capture my soul.

Silence meets every corner
Of my house, and as I
Stave off misery,
I remember your voice
In my ear, a
Comforting whisper
Filled with as much
Longing as my own
Heart- an everlasting
Reassurance that
You care for me,
As I do so care for you.

As I remember,
I feel a strong bond
Between our distanced
Selves, and I know
A bond like ours
May never be broken,
Regardless of anything.

Embraced

Wind whips past my face
As I run,
Faster and faster
Into that cold night,
Running from the
Monsters in my sleep.

Except they are real.

Noises come from behind,
And my muscles ache
And scream as I run,
Faster and faster,
Into that cold night,
Running from the
Terrors in my sleep.

Except they are unimagined.

Tears squint past the corners
Of my eyes as the dark closes
In around me
As I run,
Faster and faster
Into that cold night,
Running from
Fear in my sleep.

Except it has come, and it
Is here, and I am exposed.

Here are the terrors,
The monsters,
The fear;
Here they are screaming
And laughing
And weeping.

I huddle in a
Corner, waiting,
Watching as they
Watch me,
Terrified.

It is here as I
Lay exposed that I
Notice some Light,
Just a small
Piece of Light,
In the one other
Corner of the room.

Between me and
That little piece
Of Light stand
The monsters,
The terrors,
The fear.

I must get to that Light,
Even if I may only
Touch it before
I die, to have
Lived my last moment
Without the monsters.

Without the terrors.

Without the fear.

I crawl slowly along the walls
As the monsters
Cackle and squeal
In their drunken victories,
Too wasted to see my
Movements, as
I make my way to the
Little piece of Light.

A few inches
From that corner
With Light,
A few seconds
Before I may touch
It, those
Monsters turn sober.
They see my attempt,
And spring at me.
Screaming, I move that
Last centimeter,
And my fingers graze
The piece of Light.

As the terrors start
To grasp my feet,
As the monsters try
To clutch my legs,
As the fear tries
To wrench my heart,
The Light grows.

It touches my face,
A warm, soft touch,
And slowly envelops
My body.

Where the fear had
Been wrenching my
Heart, there stood
Purity and Hope.
Where the monsters had
Been clutching my legs,
There stood Goodness
And Healing.
Where the terrors
Had been grasping my
Feet, there stood Faith
And Trust.

The whole of the space
Became filled with Light,
And the monsters, terrors,
And fear became gathered in
The corner where I
Had thought myself dead.

There those evil things
Became smaller and
Smaller, until they left but
A speck on the shining
Floor. The Light picked up the
Speck and put it in His
Pocket, and from the rays
Emanating from Him,
You could not
Even see the evil
In his pocket.

He saw my clothes,
And made them new.
He saw my qualms,
And demolished them.
He saw my eyes,
And made me remember
To forget the evil influence.
He saw me quaking,
And he embraced me as His child.

We walked Home together then.

Waiting

I wanted to tell you

Goodbye

Today.

But I couldn’t find the words.

We’ve gone through

So much

Together,

You and I.

I didn’t know where to start.

 

I could’ve said

What I remember:

The light in your eyes,

The softness of your skin.

The dimples of your smile,

The touch of your fingertips

On my face.

 

But I didn’t.

I couldn’t.

I just didn’t

Know how.

 

I wanted to say

I’ll miss you.

But I couldn’t find the words.

We’ve been through

So much pain

Together,

You and I.

I wasn’t sure where to start.

 

I could’ve said

What I was thinking:

How I love you,

Forever and always.

For my whole heart

Is yours alone,

Eternally.

 

But I didn’t.

I couldn’t.

I just didn’t

Know how.

 

I wanted to say

I’ll be waiting.

But I couldn’t find the words.

We’re so far apart,

You and I.

I wasn’t sure where to start.

I could’ve said

What I was feeling:

How I’ll be hurting

The whole while

You’re away.

How I’ll cry

Many nights

Till you come

Back to me.

 

But I didn’t.

I couldn’t.

I just didn’t

Know how.

 

I promise you this

However, my love,

That I will love

And care for you

Always.

That no matter

How hard it gets

To wait,

How far away

You’ll be,

How long you

Must be gone,

 

I’ll be waiting.

 

Because I love you.

Forever and always.